Anything but their pity
by banishing gun
Summary: As Kadaj lies dieing he reflects on his life, or lack of one. Very angsty, obvious character death.


_All Final Fantasy characters are owned by Square Enix, not me._

_I don't really know where this came from, just watching advent children and thinking about the tragedy of Kadaj's fate I guess. Anyway hope you enjoy it, please let me know if you do, or if you don't for that matter._

XXXXX

You can't know what it is to be me. I don't expect you to. That's why I'm going to explain it to you. You probably still won't understand and even if you do I fail to see the benefit to you or me, but I have to tell someone. I promise it won't take long, I don't have long. I'm fading fast and soon I'll be gone, not that I ever really lived.

My name is Kadaj though a number would have served me better. I have never known fulfillment and I have never been a single entity. I have no true identity and my personality is orchestrated by others, or at least the drive that forms the core of my being is so defined. Is it possible to miss something you never had? To want it with all your heart whilst knowing it contrasts the purpose of your soul?

I doubt I have a soul, but I have a heart or some semblance of it. I have fought and died for my family, for my brothers and for my mother but though family is all I have ever had I have never known love. My mother is Jenova and by no means am I her only son. Her cells inhabit the bodies of hundreds of others across the surface of the planet, including my brothers Loz and Yazoo.

You may not have heard of us but everyone knows the name of our other sibling, long has his name inspired dread and fear in the population of this planet. Sephiroth. The one winged angel who fell two years ago after so nearly destroying this world at the behest of our mother. He failed but she loves him still or at least loves the purpose he may serve, and that love is the reason for my existence.

I am the strongest but still nothing more than a shattered fragment of something once whole and beautiful. By my very nature I am broken, and I always knew deep down that I was irreparable. I told someone once of how the terror was in the ignorance, would mother choose me or Sephiroth? But I already knew in my heart who she'd choose, every, single, time. I fought for mother, did all I could for the reunion and I never failed her, unlike Sephiroth.

I delivered myself to her, a willing sacrifice for her dark purpose and Sephiroth failed her once again. His parting promise, I will not become a mere memory echoes in my head. I wonder would he understand how it is to have spent an entire life as nothing but a memory? After his second defeat it was my body that fell to earth to die in the arms of the enemy.

To die in his arms knowing he pitied me, that Rufus Shinra also pitied me for what I was, a hollow shell. But I question whether they knew of my awareness of the void I inhabited. Rufus was right when he said I knew nothing, but ignorance is bliss unless you are made only too aware of your failings and that which you do not have. My existence was driven by a single aim, reunion. I achieved this but still I'm empty and I lie like a discarded gun cartridge, my purpose served with no future before me.

To know that I was never loved, never viewed as human, never seen by anyone as anything but a foolish martyr of a lost cause is my damnation. To single mindedly serve a purpose that fails to deliver your heart leaves you stranded and alone. It is the awareness of my fall that makes it all the more anguished. I lie dying now, I can hear a voice calling, a voice that offers respite and I willingly take its hand. Anything to leave the arms that support me now, the figure that shakes its head in bemused sorrow and pity as Rufus had.

I would not take their pity but yours, if you feel any. It means so much more to me. You know my story now, you know my heart and as I move on from this world I need to know that at least one soul knows I had a heart to love, and that I would have been so much more. Pity me for my fall and the martyrdom I did much to deserve but that has served me no purpose. Cry for me if you will for there is no one else to mourn my passing, and I would not take _their_ pity


End file.
